Men run the gamut from empathetic saint (myself) to abusive jerk, and a given man will slide around a little based on circumstances.

Women range from farm girl (can do it all herself and will probably hit you back if you're stupid enough to abuse her) to princess (why _can't_ you read my mind?). Again, a given woman will show some aspects different types in varying ratios.

In addition to this finickiness factor, there are such things as looks, money, intelligence, humor, age, politics, and life path. When you consider that the attraction has to go both ways, it's a wonder any two people get together at all.

Taking personal preference out of the mix for a moment, there are those who have a high market value. Being in demand, perhaps they want someone of high market value also. It makes sense for these people to hold out. Putting personal preference and ego back in, we have to consider the value we give ourselves (which may be inflated or deflated), the value others give us in general, and the value someone we value gives us. When all that matches well for two people, they tend to get together.

But what do you do while you're holding out? How do you find your soul mate if you don't dip your toes in the water? Besides, loneliness really sucks.

So, people relax their standards. Maybe a short-term relationship becomes a longer one just because it's easier than breaking up. At some point, people consider their market worth and their partners'. The one with the higher value has the "power" in the relationship. Sometimes both think they have the power.

Typically, the one without the power becomes subservient. The bigger the mismatch, the greater the effect. Unfortunately, subservience isn't that sexy. So, if you have a big mismatch, the power partner eventually loses interest.

Alright, here's where I bring it all together: If you are not the power partner, you have to act like it anyway so you don't turn off your partner. And if you are the power partner, you act like it because you are, and it's more fun.

So, in those rare instances where both parties are really into each other, and know the other is into it too, and neither is too finicky, well, those are the ecstatic couples that creep the rest of us out a little bit. But if either one is settling, than the situation turns into a kind of cold war with sex on the side pretty quickly.

Only half of this explanation boils down to "he's just not that into you." The other half is "you're just not that into him, so he's not going to go out on a limb."

The take home message is to decide what is important to you and do what it takes to get it. If you want Mr. Romance, stop dating guys who aren't (at least not a second date). This may mean you have to compromise on something else (looks is a good category, good-looking guys are often not above exploiting their gifts), or you'll just have to wait longer. But sitting around home doesn't do any good, so you need to get out there and meet people, but they need to be the kind of guys your looking for. Charity work is often full of nice guys.

And if you like notes and flowers and little gestures, let people know by doing it yourself! Maybe giving guys flowers is a bit much, but if you tuck a few cute "thinking of you" hand-written cards, the guy is going to realize you're into that. Either it will drive him away 'cus he doesn't like that kind of thing, or it will let him know this is the kind of thing you like. If you want to attract something, be it.

What you can't do, at least not reliably, is to find the guy who is perfect except that romance thing, and then change him. That's not saying guys never change, but if he figures out what you like early on and doesn't start giving it to you pretty quickly, he's not going to do it willingly. And forcing someone to change never works. It may look like it's working, but you end up with hidden resentment that fester and lead to phenomenal failures (think Shakespearean tragedy).

That's my take on it.

Cheers,
-bender